The restorative conversation
Five questions, asked in order, by someone who is genuinely prepared not to know the answer in advance. Most of the difficulty is in the preparation and the silence.
The questions
- What happened?
- What were you thinking at the time?
- What have you thought about since?
- Who has been affected, and how?
- What needs to happen to put things right?
They look simple on a page and are hard in a room. The third question is where most conversations turn, and it is the one most often skipped because the silence after it is long enough to feel like failure.
What the person holding the conversation must not do
- Supply the answer. "I imagine you felt..." ends the work.
- Negotiate the harm. The effect on someone is not a claim to be adjudicated.
- Accept a general apology. "Sorry if anyone was upset" is a refusal in polite form.
- Close without specifics. Who does what, by when, and how it will be checked.
An agreement that cannot be checked is a feeling with a deadline attached.
Preparing the harmed person
The part most often neglected. They need to know what will be asked, what they are not obliged to say, that they can stop at any point, and what happens if nothing is resolved. Someone who walks in unprepared is being asked to perform forgiveness on the organisation's schedule.
Common questions
What if they refuse to take part?
Then the process does not happen, and the conventional route applies. Refusal is information, not an obstacle to be overcome.
Does this replace disciplinary procedure?
No. It can sit alongside it, and in serious cases it follows rather than replaces it.
How long should it take?
The conversation is usually under an hour. The preparation is often several, and skipping it is the most common cause of a bad outcome.